Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Graced by Grace

I cant stop listening to this!

“Its His Pleasure, and its His will, that motivates Him to do all of this for us… it has NOTHING to do with what you are able to do…My worth, my self-esteem, my value, is not hinged on my ability to perform well in this life, its defined by an eternally existing God who finds pleasure in lavishing grace on me.”

"It is totally the unmerited grace of God that bring us into His presence.”

This is my purpose for life. Billy also says that We are, I am, I have, nothing going for me apart from Jesus Christ. I am completely, totally, bad. I am nothing apart from the "unmerited grace of God" that was given to me unearned, undeserved, for God's pleasure and for no other reason than to bring glory to God.
There is supposed to be a sense of freedom in this, which is no more than a little seed in me, but I hope to grow by living in the Word and feeding myself with the Truth...

My awful but accurate dream...

I had a truly horrific dream this morning. I'm trying not to think about it because it was so so awful and disturbing, so I have to write it down. It helps me not have it again and puts it elsewhere besides in my mind.

I was somehwere I didnt recognize, and around me were my family (I think) although they were busy around me and I was just in one place. I wasnt in pain, but I felt awful, like something inside of me just was wrong. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable: something unwelcome and invasive had taken control of me. And I had to get it out, but I didnt know what I would find. The dread and fear of what I would find was, however, very clear and present.
I felt it in my stomach. I pulled up my shirt. Tiny thorns began protruding from my skin. One, then another, then more so rapidly that I was overwhelmed. I had to get them out. But they were not thorns. They were wings. Long, brown, sharp-edged wings. I was disgusted. I pulled one out with a unnerving tug and then a pluck of the body of whatever insect it was. They were alive but not moving, with useless wings. I must have pulled a hundred out within several seconds, desperate to get them out of me, but the disgust of the feeling of pulling them out was absolutely horrific. I mean I was literally grabbing handfuls of wings from my belly and ripping them out with so much urgency, with that feeling when you pull on your skin--the emptiness you feel on the inside. I was crying from disgust and the need for help. I believe my Mom was the only one helping me rid my stomach of the termites that invaded my body. I am glad the dream did end with the relief of just pulling a few random wings that were left from my chest, my stomach, and my shoulder. They were finally out of me.


I do not know what this meant yet. It has some obvious visualizations of disgust with whatever was inside of myself, and the need to rid myself of that feeling and the bugs that crept into my body/life. I know that letting one little lie that satan feeds us can multiply like bugs inside, and that makes sense to me. Ridding them is not easy, and it is not without pain and dusgust. Its just something we have to do sometimes. Remove the bugs in our lives that we have allowed to fly in and multiply within us.

Friday, November 11, 2011

When night falls
And all seems lost
When pain is the only motivation to feel at all
Where the dagger
And the hole it created
Leaves love bleeding in my hands again
Where so much is given
There it will be lost
Where smiles fade
And memories are forgotten
Here they will be buried so deep
That I will grieve only the happiness they once held
When there are no more tears to cry
And no more blood to spill
Where absence now occupies the spaces we created
There is where you might make out the faintest beating of my shattered heart

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My name is Pandar. and I am a Justin Bieber fan.

Honestly, not the stalking/waiting 72 hours in front of the movie theater/won't miss a CA show kind of fan.
I just think he's a f'n talented kid. Check this out:


hasta luego Pandaritos! ♪ª£¡♫

Friday, November 4, 2011

F U Friday

You know those days where, no matter how hard you try, having a good attitude about things and the smallest of faith in humankind is just seemingly impossible? Fuckin H, man.

Ok so I woke up more tired than usual. No big deal, happens all the time. Late to work this week, resigned to contribute it to the fact that this happens every year right before the time goes back to a godly schedule. Eff you, time changes. why the f do we still participate in this? Maybe I should move to AZ where it's hotter than bejeezus and aint shit to do, but hey! At least they keep human hours. Or Europe, where they take 2 hour siestas every day. OOO even better...

Still. Put on a happy face, doing my work and helping my *one nice* coworker cause she's not a hating ass bitch to me for no reason like the rest of the low-life chismosas I have the priviledge of working with.
Yet I tell myself each and every time the one other b* I have to be in the same dept. as turns into a yippy shit (-tsu) that I want to put a muzzle on daily not because of her weak ass bite but because of her shrieking-as-fuck deputy-no-badge bark that never fails to boil my blood out of sheer annoyance. I dont even care if that wasnt a complete sentence just now, cause that's how much air-time she deserves on MY blog.

Maybe this all has something to do with the fact that my FINE AS FUCK boyfriend came to get the car and I invited myself to lunch his treat all scruffy and handsome cute con pelo de acolchonadito yesterday and was, for the first time, waiting at my office door while I checked out. To say the least the fugly chismosas I work with were acting a fool by checking him out as if they had a chance. He wouldnt give a shit about these b*s if they had platinum p*'s.

anyways. Hopefully this comes across funny and or entertaining and not oober-negative. English humor people. I'm dry as a martini with a single olive, no cute little red-pepper center either.
Later haters

Beso mi nalgas blancas.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: Feeling healthy and pretty happy to be Pandar right now
The bad: Hurt my foot on a chair (to the point where its bruised and sore and traumatized)
The ugly: So not down for customer service today
The good: Started a new lifestyle of diet and exercise Saturday
The bad: Not used to not snacking during the day so I'm kind of hungry
The ugly: Broke again... :(
The good: Cant wait for Magic again next friday!!!!! yesssssssssssssssssss!!!
The bad: Thought I'd be able to get one more discounted ticket but 2/3 aint bad
The ugly: My awesome body composition scale's batteries ran out of juice
The good: I randomly found the right (obscure) batteries at the auto shop whilst getting tranny fluid for mys car! whoo hoo lucky me!

I'm gonna end with the GOOD because I try to be more positive than negative!!

hasta luego Pandaritos!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I ♥ SB!!

Taken today on my bike ride. I ♥ Sunsets!! I am so blessed to live in Paradise!

Butterfly Beach, Montecito

Butterfly Beach

 This was yesterday at East Beach by the Zoo... Kinda fuzzy but pretty anyway!

And some comida pics!! O yah!
Yesterday's Lunch  

 Tonight's Dinner



hasta luego Pandaritos!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ten things about Pandar

1. I think people who say they wouldn't do it all over again if they had the chance are full of sh!t.

2. I wonder why if there is a heaven and a hell (which I do believe) that there are also spirits and unliving presences here on earth (seen with my own eyes)... Why aren't they in one of those two places?

3. I think I am one of the most forgiving people I know, but there are some things I personally could never forgive someone for. Well, maybe forgive, but not forget and will want nothing to do with them anymore!

(grabbed from BritChickRuns' blog, love it! sorry, rat lover here...lol)
 4. I constantly surround myself with music. All music. Loud music. Screaming music. Contemplative music. Dancing music. Any and everything. I honestly could not be happy in a day where I wasn't listening to music. 

5. I tend to overreact to situations. I also speak before I think. A lot. It's a maturity thing, obviously. And I'm so over it!!!! >:\

(photo: my first fritatta, inspired by Monica. Yes, it was friggin RICO)
6. I get really intimidated and start shaking when I (try to) speak Spanish to actual Spanish-speakers. I am nervous to say something wrong and hate talking slowly. Yes, I've been laughed at before. haha. It's all good though. Not sure why I still get intimidated!

7. One of my favorite things to ask my mom when I was little was, "Will you tell me a story of when you were little?" because I loved imagining her as a little kid like me, though she seemed ancient and her stories about a hundred years ago. And she's such a young mom! haha! <3 ya mommie!

8. I am VERY impatient and intolerant of myself sometimes. I do have regrets, and I can't think that anyone could honestly say they don't either -- we all must have something we wish we didn't do at some point. And yes, I know it's all for a reason! Still, I'm just sayin.

9. I love coffee, but absolutely cannot drink it. Migraines from hell. Sometimes I forget this, or go into a temporary state of denial, and decide to drink some of this sweet nectar of Columbia Denny's anyway. Why!! Why do I insist on torturing myself this way!? Some people never learn.

10. Last night I was reading Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me? and actually forgot how old I was. Frigin A. So I ask my bf, "Hunny, am I 26 or 27?" Of course he's like, wtf? The kids actually end up telling me I am, in fact, 27 years old. I really didnt realize I was that old. And still act like a kid sometimes. wtf.
Grow. Up. Already.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Rocio Durcal - Costumbres

Hablame de ti,
cuentame, de tu vida.

Sabes tu muy bien
que yo estoy convencida
de que tu no puedes
aunque intentes olvidarme.

Siempre volveras
una y otra vez
una y otra vez
siempre volveras
aunque ya no sientas
mas amor por mi, solo rencor.

Yo tampoco tengo
nada que sentir
y eso es peor.
Ppero te extrano,
tambien te extrano.

No cabe duda que es verdad
que la costumbre es mas fuerte
que el amor.

Se que tu no puedes
aunque intentes olvidarme.
siempre volveras
una y otra vez
una y otra vez
siempre volveras.

Aunque ya no sientas mas
amor por mi, solo rencor.

Yo tampoco tengo nada que
sentir, y eso es peor.
Pero te extrano.
Como te extrano.

No cabe duda que es verdad
que la costumbre es mas fuerte
que el amor...

Tell me about yourself,
tell me, about your life.

You know well
that I'm convinced
that you can't
even so you try to forget me.

You'll always come back
time and time again
time and time again
you'll always come back
even though you don't feel
love from me anymore, only rage.

I don't have
anything to feel either
and that's worse.
But I miss you,
I miss you too.

There's no doubt that it's true
that customs are stronger
than love.

I know that you can't
even though you try to forget me
you'll always come back
time and time again
time and time again
you'll always come back.
Even though you don't feel anymore
love from me, only rage.

I don't have anything either
to feel, and that's worse.
But I miss you.
How I miss you.

There's no doubt that it's true
that customs are stronger
than love...


Another song I had to share! Beautiful beautiful song and singer, just amazing. Makes me cry when I hear it. Enjoy!  

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sofa King Good / iOS5

Had to share the beautiful Cobb salad courtesy of none other than South Coast Deli! It. Was. Dee-lish-us! I couldn't finish the whole thing cause it's huge, and if you can call that a drawback that'd be the only thing: they can't put dressing on the side since they toss it in as they make it. This means I can't really save any that's left over :/ (Which is ok I guess because I don't think it would taste the same if they didn't, tbh)

As if I needed it, I took my sweet girl to Presto Pasta for dinner tonight also. Good day for food! ;)

I have a complaint just to balance things out: why can't I edit my contacts in iOS 5?!! Wtf? C'mon apple. That's BASIC. May the greedy soul of Steve Jobs continue to write code from his grave so we selfish Americans can have our ridiculously functional gadgets for years and years to come...

Cheers Pandaritos! Shoutout to my subscriber! My lone subscriber, haha! Cool cool!

Pandar loves music

Took a mini-vacation last night about an hour south for some Me time and to get a pretty sweet f'n bike (since mine was stolen months ago). I love driving, by myself, going somewhere far, and losing myself in my favorites playlist. I was inspired to want to post at least one song/video/lyrics on here since music is SO much a part of my life, and sharing it is just as important to me.

I thought this recent post from 1000awesomethings.com was right appropriate! Its so me.
Playing Music so loud you lose yourself in it

Fo sho!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Gone Away

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
Black roses and hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade, I would

And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings, yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I save your soul
Yeah, soul

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh please let me trade, I would

And it feels and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away, gone away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Gone away, gone away

~~Dedicated to my Aunt Judy
You will always be my favorite Aunt~~

Monday, October 10, 2011

I Know Places - Lykke Li

I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
The high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.

I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Where the highs wont bring you down babe.
No, The highs wont hurt you there babe.

Don't ask me when, but ask me why.
Don't ask me how, but ask me where.
There is a road. There is a way.
There is a place. There is a place.

I know places we can go babe
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
And, the high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.

Come lay... And wait...
Now wont you lay... and wait... Wait on me.

I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.


If you can catch MTVs Unplugged performance watch it!!
Another favorite of mine from Lykke Li:

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

Starting over, all over again

When the wheel comes around full circle, it suffers a hit from the jagged rock that is embedded deeply since the road far behind. The shock to the wagon is so great that it knocks its baggage down, sending cases and cases full of useless junk into the path. The horses struggle to keep their balance as the reigns pull on their necks and scrape their backs while their driver tries to maintain control of the wagon. The driver fails to predict this same disaster even though she has seen it happen at every turn. Yet, she picks everything up once again, the same way she has been doing for as long as she can remember. The scene is all too familiar, but because her belongings fall differently each time, she can't determine this time from the last from the first. As she starts packing the dirty, ragged, and otherwise unrecognizable things back into their carriers and back onto the wagon's bed, the fog that was hanging overhead now descends and seemingly paralyzes her. Her knees buckle underneath her, and she drops to the ground still holding an armful of cracked picture frames and torn clothes.
What are these things I am carrying?
How do I keep ending up here,
when I thought I was headed in the other direction?
When can I leave this behind,
and stop falling at every road I take?

She wants the desire to purposefully lift her head in hope and walk away from the burdens to overshadow the darkness that clouds her memory, saps her spirit, and leaves her for dead. She knows her loosening grip on reality has everything to do with her stubborn instinct to try to uphold her false sense of self-righteousness and perfection. Masking her failures seems easier than suffering the pain of rejection, but the guilt that follows her mistakes causes more isolation and separation than she has ever known. She knows she cannot continue in this way, and at times imagines the strength and confidence she has always had as more powerful than the confusion and dependence that also makes a home inside her. She finds it easy to have an attitude of independence and courage during the calm, but still cannot hold on to them when the inevitable storms reach her. Her fear renders her unable to see past, present, or future, and immobilizes her body and mind. Once the fear plants its first seed, the roots grow until they have consumed everything inside her and blackened both her day and night.

The only thing that posesses the ability to counteract is Faith. Faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in a positive outcome. And the only way to have faith is to trust that something more powerful than others, situations, and ourselves has a divine plan to prosper us, change us for better, and deliver us from the darkness that can so easily deceive and destroy.

Today I demand fear to fall and ask God's faith to plant seeds in my life. I do not have to fear anything or anyone. Today I will place faith in each situation, encounter, and person, including myself where fear used to claim rights. I will be faithful to God in my thoughts, words, and actions. And I will expect this faith to grow faster and stronger than the fear did, and eventually faith, not fear, will become my first choice in all areas of my life.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

My Heart Shaped Box

It's not that complicated,
I dont expect you to understand
few people do, really,
I just hoped maybe you would,
or at least try to see that
its not such a terrible thing
but to you it is
and I can't help that

You see, from my point of view,
you're all just as crazy
as you think I am.

I don't want to fight it
this part of myself
but I have to every day
because they've got me trapped in a cage
isolated me
confined to a box
so pressed to repress
what's inside of me

The thing is,
there's not anything inside of me
that's scary or wrong
so why do they want to trap me in a box?
if they don't, in reality,
why does it feel like they do?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sun on Sunday

I always jinx the weather when I so much as think about how I want it to be because I have control over the universe. So I didn't hope for anything and made plans for if it was cloudy/cold or if it turned out nice and sunny. Both involved walking or running and being outside, since thursday and friday I must have been fighting a virus or something. I went home and crashed for like 3 hours (I never do that!) two days in a row. We didn't have any kids this past week so I was loving the me time quiet time sleep time. I also decided to take my diet and exercise seriously (for reals). Anyways, so I was super happy when it was gorgeous by 9am, and called it a beach day.
It's but a short walk from my house and a nice one at that. About 1.65 miles one way along the golf course then along the bird refuge to the end of East Beach. I walked slightly towards Butterfly Beach on the sand and there was like NO ONE else out there except occasional passers-by. I created my sand spot (gotta make butt and boob accomodations!), laid out my towel, put some reggae music and chilled. So. Nice. I wished I had gotten there earlier so I had more tan time, but I had to sew my bathing suit so my girls didnt fall out because it was too loose and I needed walking support. I was sweating like a fat man eating soup shimmering nicely and walking fast (no sandals, running shoes), so I called it a workout.

Don't you wish you could go to the beach every day?? I could make that my job, easily.

Hasta luego Pandaritos!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Coolest Dress I've seen in a while!!

Fug or Fab: Keira Knightley Keira Knightley – Go Fug Yourself

I love this dress!!!

Related: I was totally frustrated this past weekend looking unsuccessfully for a specific dress. My Hunny kept pointing out chiks who were wearing the kind he was thinking of, so that was definitely helpful. I was hoping I could find something at least similar but good grief what's a girl got to do!??
I became slightly depressed over how my white fat thighs look in a short dress after a day of looking, pulling dresses, trying them on, having to yell/whistle my man to come closer to the dressing room so I didnt have to traipse (is that how you spell that? o well.) all the way out uncomfortably, etc. I really hate shopping. I LOVE clothes and shoes and everything in between. Its the trying on and being in sh*tty dressing room light and skinny bitches other people being around while you change into unflattering material that annoy me.
I had all but given up.
I decided to go without my significant other. Men just are incapable of seeing potential, but I can, and I figured I could at least find something to work with. Who the eff do they make clothes to fit now anyway!! Even the "curvy" jeans have WAY too much hip, dude. I want it to hold me IN, not accommodate! aye. Anyways, I take my little girl (she's 6 and likes to hide from me in the clothes when I'm shopping and = me having a fun time shopping) to Old Navy and take a bunch of stuff into a dressing room. I hold several pieces in case a) I dont end up finding anything else and b) that have some potential. One of the first things I held on to was a nice pink/purple/black/green print linen-y skirt with a thick-ish black elastic waist. pretty darn cute. I went back on the floor and found a stretchy basic tank with a round neck and round low back and regular sized straps. That's when my great epiphany turned a light on in my frustratingly dark head. I pulled the skirt, which was originally ankle-length, to under the girls, over the tank. Bingo.
I dont have a sewing machine so I stitched the skirt to the tank how my Mama taught me ("hidden stitch" which doesn't bust when you stretch the seams!). I think sewing is the most useful thing to this day that I learned as a kid that schools don't teach you (do they even still have home ec?). Looks great huh? No, I'm not talking about my manly arms or the cool Hollywood building behind me. ME!! lol.

Do you think sewing should be mandatory for girls to learn? I know I'm very traditional with roles and stuff but equality for sure. I think sewing is for women. And gay men tailors. ;)

Making Pandar Progress! Birthday!

Last week I got kinda discouraged when I'd run, from stitches and because my millions of layers creep on my neck and try to rear naked choke me. But I kept pressing and trying to run through the sideaches and running with my phone (music/gps trackers are musts!) in my sweatshirt front pocket so the collar left me alone. It worked and I've scored PRs the last two runs. I still am not a great runner and I'm hella slow but you gotta start somewhere, right? Even though my run this morning was only 2.blah blah miles, I set my mind to go the whole time, and met that goal. Law of Attraction and Positive Thinking fmw :)

My pace is getting gradually faster! I always walk the first 5 minutes to warm up so I tried to add that extra 1/4 mile. I'm amazed that people run like 8-9 minute splits! Gives me something to work towards fo sho. It's also hard to go every single day (which I'd like) cause cupcakes life happens.

Birthday Update!
Birthday Cupcakes!!
Red Velvet, Hershey's Kiss in the center, Dark Chocolate Frosting, Rainbow Sprinkles, and Trader Joe's Sugar Choco Mint grinder sprinkles. Quadruple yum. 'Nother win! Thanks Sistar!!

Happy Birthday to meeeee!!!! :)
happy happy joy joy
whooo hooo
and Yeahhhhhhh....BUDDY!
Night Bitches!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Pandar has a Birthday

Well, I first have to say that I love my family and that my Hunny is amazing. I know that just being able to be with them they are going to make my birthday this year awesome. :) I'm the kind of person who is happy not doing anything "special" for my birthday, as long as I get to be with those special people in my life. I'll be totally cliche honest when I say their presence is a gift!!
I kind of pretty much already decided what I want to do for my barfday at this point, but I'm going to  draw it out as long as possible because a) I can, and b) I can. Muahahaha!

Since I have my lil girl with me (yay!) on saturday (my actual birthDay), and my Hunny is working (sorry babe!), it gives me the perfect opportunity to have a girl day! So my lovely Sistar invited us to make delicious Red Velvet birthday Cupcakes!! I suggested Cream Cheese frosting filling. I'm kind of thinking more towards chocolate though. Cause, duh! why not! Everything's better in CHOColate! ;)

THEN, I'll totally relax and/or go for a sunny run on Sunday. Monday I took the day off, because I can. And I want to go to Magic again :) (sorry Hunny!) I have to go on X2 with my eyes open the WHOLE time. lol. I've made it a goal for my 27th year, so why not start on that right away?

THEN, because my hunny is aMAzing, he's going to take me to Sushi :) (sorry Hunny! lol) My Love doesnt really like sushi (but he WILL someday muahahaha), so I found this place in LA called Sushi Dan's and they have American food, but the sushi menu looks incredible!! There's one in Studio City so that's not too far. I think maybe I saw it in CityWalk? (confirm/deny?) And I'm pretty sure I wanted to check it out.
THEN, because my Hunny really is an overachiever, he has some other surprises too :) You can get your mind out of the gutter although you can bet your sweet beans there will be some hot gutter-action too, but that's not what I was gonna say, you cochinos. More like perfume cause I never shower so I can smell as good as he always does, and maybe some zapatos blancos because it's another thing I have to keep clean I dont have any white shoes besides my runners, and let's just say they're not exactly "white" anymore. :) But I'm most excited to spend a day with him (plus dinner) and actually have just the two of us [no kids] next week for my birthday week)! Uh oh. I feel a song coming on...
That's for you, Hunny. lol

Course I'll have to show him my dedication song later because he's a self-proclaimed illiterate jagger he prefers me to read things to him. His favorite is when I read The Bitchy Waiter to him, while we're eating in a restaurant. He is also a waiter and always says, "But that is SO true!!" or "That's not even an exaggeration!!" or "People are REALLY like that!!" You know you love you some bitchy waiter.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

5 Random Pandar Things

5. I made my stuffed pasta shells (aka "Seashells") the other day and O M G they were good. (Where are my dang pictures of these wonderful things? oh well) That's like my specialty dish. It wins over ANYbody. :)
Kind of like this, except more mozarella. You can never have too much mozarella. :)

4. New music project is playing with COGOP -- Church of God of Prophecy, except this is Spanish so it's La Iglesia de Dios de Profecía ;) My Hunny seriously is THE best music director/teacher and instrumentalist. He's really amazing. Its a treat to play with him and our backup singers are three sweet girls (one is my bf's daughter) with great voices. My Hunny was playing keys to practice last night but he'll be singing up front doing harmonies while another really good musician will rock keys with his dad on guitar (background/chords), and I'm not sure who the drummer is but I wish my Hunny could do drums AND sing AND play bass, lol. He's got to direct and speak and stuff too, so, cant have it all! :) So I am just happy to be playing for something since I haven't had a music project since over 6 months now... yay! Best thing is that it's worship. And I always think that no matter where I am in life or what I've done or how I'm living, I have to give thanks to God and the musical abilities He gave me is the best way to show my gratitude. Honestly, my heart was never for playing in bars and using the music solely to entertain. Music is too precious and sacred for me. Its my gift, and I have to give it back to the One who gave it to me. And everything else I have in my life. Ya know?

3. The *only* sappy romantic movie I can stomach is The Notebook. I'm kind of like a guy in this way. I like to laugh at the tiny package holders they wear in WWE (yea you, Randy Orton). I will NEVER miss a UFC fight. I'll always go for the action movies over the popular romantic comedies (barf. There are few exceptions!) when going through Moviefone. I am good at fixing things like fallen towel bars and soldering electronic connections and debugging/troubleshooting people's computers. I like to do active, messy, outdoor, tough things better than I like to sew or decorate or spend hours on my hair/nails/shit us girls do in the bathroom. Yet I am unmistakably very much a feminine woman. I love chocolate and shopping and makeup and shoes as much as the next beotch. But guy stuff is kind of more fun for me a lot of times. And I like to think that I could kick it. :)

2. I LOOOOOOVE insane roller coasters. My Hunny does not. But he recently took me to Magic Mountain, as a total surprise (I had NO idea, but he knew since we met over 6 years ago I wanted to go), and went on ALL the rides with me!!!! EVEN X2. I'll never forget his face on X2, frigin priceless. When we were next on, he was literally shaking. And my hunny is a pretty tough, badass dude, forreals. I've never seen him scared or worried at all. So we get on the ride after a long, nervous wait, and its just gotten dark at the park so it looks pretty cool. The ride goes up the "hill" but unlike any ride I've been on, you are facing up/outwards towards the sky. I so wish I could have taken a picture then because it was probably the most awesome scene ever. right at sunset too. omg. Ok so anyways I look over at my baby and his hands are clenched to the bars and eyes are closed so tight, like The Cat in the Hat in "I Can Read with my Eyes Shut," lol. "Open your eyes Hunny its SO COOL!!" "no! ... no!" shaking his head and pursing his lips like a little kid who doesn't want to eat their spinach. I closed my eyes on the first drop and then when I gathered the balls to open them again I could not tell you which direction I was facing, which was up or down, or which way we were going. It was insane. I've never been that scared shitless any moment of my life leading up to that. If it hadnt been closing time I would have gone again right after EYES OPEN the whole time :) Guess I'll have to go back!!!! muahahahaha!!  
Yep that was my Hunny and me LOL.

1. I can't dance to save my life. Its probably the combination of me being completely un-aerodynamic, clumsy/awkward, and slow. However, I still have hope that one day I'll dance some dirrrrty ass street salsa and people at all the Mexican weddings will say, "Damn, look at that white girl dance!!" lol. I'm half kidding. Mostly I wonder why my sister can rock the sh*t out of state street solstice parade and hip hop clubs and under the same parents I can't. She can also sing notes I can only hit in the bedroom in the shower with no one listening. But, I dont mind that she's got all kinds of different talents than me, actually thats awesome. (She really is awesome!) I just would have AHEM appreciated! a bit of the dance gene, feel me? I guess it was big boobs or dancing ability. I'm still going to be the most guera-est big tittie having ghetty booty hip rockin Pandar. You can be sure of that. :)

So what's your favorite ride, or are you a closed-eyed rider like my Hunny?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

...closer than I was yesterday


Photo Courtesy:  anditslove
*courtesy of positivelypresent.tumblr

There is actually, a first in my life, nothing wrong or out of place. Yeah I have stuff I need to do. Yeah I have concerns and worries. Yeah I have daily responsbilities. But everything really is as it should be.

Wow. You mean I can breathe? I can relax? I dont have to react because there's nothing worth reacting to? I am not being challenged or judged every second? My intentions are not being called into question anymore? I am surrounded by healthy, normal, non-addict people? I am free? I am free.

Pandar, nothing's broken. Stop trying to fix things. Everything is as it should be. You can relax and enjoy life now. You can trust yourself to just be you. The uninhibited you. The real you. Put away the worries and stresses of yesterday, love the moment you're in, and have complete hope and faith in your positive future. Yes, you can. You will. Today forward. Go.

Power of Pandar Positivity

I am committing myself today to a Positive Life.

Today and every day. I am burying the innate or learned negativity I've practiced battled for 26 years. Life is way too short and precious to retain past mistakes and the guilt associated with them, negative attitudes, jealousy, anger, pain, grudges, and any and all other negative emotions or feelings in my life. I am throwing away the belief I had previously kept about "there are no negative emotions" ("just ones you learn from"). That is BS, and it's not working for me. There ARE negative emotions. Negative emotions are any feelings that send you further from your goals, that isolate yourself or the people you love, or that affect yourself and others in a *negative* (or defeating) way.

I am committing to rid my thoughts, actions, and beliefs of negativity. I am going to accomplish that by allowing, inviting, and insisting that only positive thoughts, actions, and beliefs dwell in me as a person. When negative thoughts enter my mind, I commit to be realistic but replace them with positive thoughts so that my actions and beliefs will be wholly positive. I have control of my thoughts, actions, and beliefs, and I can make them positive simply by choice. It may be difficult to see, but I believe that I can find AT LEAST one positive thing about ANY situation, and that is what I am committing to do. From this day forward.
I will start by replacing any negative thoughts about myself with positive affirmations!

I am smart
I am creative
I am patient
I am loving
I am silly
I am healthy
I am a great mom
I am whole
I am faithful
I am giving
I am grateful
I am proud
I am generous
I am kind
I am thoughtful
I am organized
I am clean
I am happy
I am a good example
I am always learning
I am beautiful
I am complete
I am conscientious
I am good
I am talented
I am musical
I am sweet
I am determined
I am independent
I am strong
I am aware
I am able to laugh
I am growing
I am peaceful
I am spirited
I am full of life
I am flexible
I am joyful
I am awesome :)
I am a good time
I am able to have fun
I am present
I am a good listener
I am getting better every day
I am great with kids
I am gentle
I am gracious
I am forgiving
I am lovely
I am a good influence
I am able to conquer ANYTHING
I am a good cook
I am colorful
I am bright
I am a lady
I am sexy
I am fashionable
I am modest
I am sensible
I am frugal
I am affectionate
I am wholesome
I am fun
I am excited
I am looking forward to so much in life

Who knows? This blog may become a sunshine out the ass positivity blog! lol. maybe....

Monday, August 22, 2011

Review: Los Agaves

I was blessed to be taken to Los Agaves restaurant (the one on Milpas) yesterday. We'd been wanting to see what people rave about, being the mexican restauranteurs we are. :)

Los Agaves Facebook Link

My Hunny and I agreed that the smell of the food, presentation, and overall atmosphere was indeed autentico. We sat by the window, and even though some of the tables are a little close together, there was plenty of space in the dining areas (there are 3, we sat in the brightest main area near the kitchen). It is an open kitchen. The service is good but it is not a typical staff setup; there are runners bringing the food out to tables (they give you a service number) and no designated wait staff attending tables. I actually liked that I could have a conversation without being asked how the food was every 5 minutes. (My Hunny and my family are servers so I definitely recognize [tip big] waiters!) We just called the attention of a runner when we needed something, no problem.

I should have taken pics of the food (have to get in the habit of that!), but I ordered ceviche and the Los Agaves Ensalada. My Hunny got Molcajetes con steak. His was aMAZing. My salad was also amazing; it had mixed greens, tomates, queso, mandarin oranges, mango, aguacates of which no salad is complete without, and a house balsalmic dressing. SO GOOD. The ceviche was very fresh and good. We still decided El Pescador (still the favorite) makes ultimately the BEST ceviche, ever. My love ate the rest of my salad later that day, and I had the rest of my ceviche for lunch today and it was still very fresh and delicious. So you can conclude that a) I don't eat a ton always, and b) the portions were pretty good. One dish was good for one person.

Overall I give it an B+.

But if you want some A++++++ mar y tierra mexican food, go to El Pescador (Santa Paula or Fillmore)! No, I dont get paid to advertise them. I just love El Pescador! lol.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Pandar loves.

Pandar can also be an insensitive, inconsiderate bitch sometimes (fuck you, HORMONES! you're a bitch, HORMONES!). Then I start treating the people I love most in a way I'd never treat them when rationality resides in me. Why, why, why, I ask myself! Then closely follows is the feeling like a totally shitty person guilt. I might as well shank a innocent kitten at this point and it couldn't make me feel any worse. And I adore kittens. So then sometimes my loved ones avoid me like the plague. I often deserve it, and being treated the way I dish out will get me back to how I should be. But I am so tired of letting the bad get to the best of me. I've tried reminding myself to be really aware when I start to get irritated or oversensitive. I still let my crappy mood steal my soul and leave me to clean up the blood on the floor. There's always more negative stuff going on right when I need to resist it, or I just notice it more, or both. Why I feel I have to fight with my emotions? Why can't we just get along? lol.

Seriously though, I know the "negative" feelings are just sending me signals to pay attention to whatever I need to pay attention to at the time. Which I am totally fine with. Maybe its just being able to communicate that to the people around me sans bitchtitude/sourface. Its so fuckin hard to smile when in a toxic environment (not talking about oil in the ocean or car smog, just my workplace!). I used to have a nice transition time from the time I get off work (where much negativity dwells, like on a ridiculous level) to the time I am home and ready to be a mom/girlfriend/housewoman. I miss that. But the lack of my little transition time doesn't allow me to treat others like shit. fml.

Push and Pull

You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin'
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Pandar eats!

Buenos Dias! I decided I will be posting much of what Pandars eat. It might surprise you that Pandar is very much a carnivore. If you want to read about vegan muffins and sugar/dairy/gluten/whatever else people avoid (flavor free), go read the hippie blogs. Just kidding!! I realize many vegetarians are pretty cool (normal). I don't judge. BUT, serve me a salad and you bet your flat ass I'll be asking for some steak or chicken right on top. ;)
I'll be taking pics of the food I make. And oh. My. Goodness. Do I make the best salads. It's true! My hunny says so and yes, he is quite the authority on the subject. You shall see :)

Because I have not yet taken the time to learn how to post/combine pics with blogging via my iphone directly yet, here's an update from last night:
exhibit a: pre-run snack. aguacate Oh yah with s&p and lots of Tapatio. Just one way to enjoy them ;)
exhibit b: Strawberry/Banana/Cantelope smoothie.
edit: I froze some and brought it to work with me for breakfast today, which was an amazing idea. Of course, because Pandar is amazing spectacular smarter than the average Pandar.

I use ismoothrun app because it gives me updates (I have them set to each mile) without me having to constantly look at my phone while I'm running. *note to self: get a damn holster or something so you dont have to hold it anymore.
I am slow because I am a fattie not yet a real runner. Looking at my splits ('nother reason I like ismoothrun!), I can see how much I had to walk during miles 3, 5, and 6.
And you'd only know this if I told you that I also wear a million layers. That's a sports bra, tank, my hunnys thick thermal longsleeve, yoga pants, and sweat pants over the yoga ones. Its turrible torture. I am sweating my ass off, literally ;)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Day two without cell phone

So I have a good idea about what I want this blog to be like, who I want it to speak to, and what I will and will not share. But who knows what it will turn out on the way? I'd like to leave that open. I'm not even going to do an introduction or anything, just start a day to day "what's Pandar's life like at this moment" and see where it goes from there :)

So today I forgot my cell phone. again. No, it is not imperative to my being or my sanity. I really just like that I can play my music/Pandora while I'm at work. Also on the days I dont walk for lunch I will sit outside behind my building on *my* lovely iron chair and eat while watching netflix (current show: Make it or Break it!). And my hunny texts me more when I have my phone, so that's always nice :) Really the only thing that bothers me about forgetting my phone is, the forgetfulness part. Pandar is an absent-minded Pandar. I am known to miss my freeway exit on occasion. What's weird is I am really good at remembering dates and paying bills and such. Just not bringing items with me or driving the most efficient directions. Oh well. Will try again tomorrow!