Friday, August 19, 2011

Pandar loves.

Pandar can also be an insensitive, inconsiderate bitch sometimes (fuck you, HORMONES! you're a bitch, HORMONES!). Then I start treating the people I love most in a way I'd never treat them when rationality resides in me. Why, why, why, I ask myself! Then closely follows is the feeling like a totally shitty person guilt. I might as well shank a innocent kitten at this point and it couldn't make me feel any worse. And I adore kittens. So then sometimes my loved ones avoid me like the plague. I often deserve it, and being treated the way I dish out will get me back to how I should be. But I am so tired of letting the bad get to the best of me. I've tried reminding myself to be really aware when I start to get irritated or oversensitive. I still let my crappy mood steal my soul and leave me to clean up the blood on the floor. There's always more negative stuff going on right when I need to resist it, or I just notice it more, or both. Why I feel I have to fight with my emotions? Why can't we just get along? lol.

Seriously though, I know the "negative" feelings are just sending me signals to pay attention to whatever I need to pay attention to at the time. Which I am totally fine with. Maybe its just being able to communicate that to the people around me sans bitchtitude/sourface. Its so fuckin hard to smile when in a toxic environment (not talking about oil in the ocean or car smog, just my workplace!). I used to have a nice transition time from the time I get off work (where much negativity dwells, like on a ridiculous level) to the time I am home and ready to be a mom/girlfriend/housewoman. I miss that. But the lack of my little transition time doesn't allow me to treat others like shit. fml.

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