Friday, September 23, 2011

Starting over, all over again

When the wheel comes around full circle, it suffers a hit from the jagged rock that is embedded deeply since the road far behind. The shock to the wagon is so great that it knocks its baggage down, sending cases and cases full of useless junk into the path. The horses struggle to keep their balance as the reigns pull on their necks and scrape their backs while their driver tries to maintain control of the wagon. The driver fails to predict this same disaster even though she has seen it happen at every turn. Yet, she picks everything up once again, the same way she has been doing for as long as she can remember. The scene is all too familiar, but because her belongings fall differently each time, she can't determine this time from the last from the first. As she starts packing the dirty, ragged, and otherwise unrecognizable things back into their carriers and back onto the wagon's bed, the fog that was hanging overhead now descends and seemingly paralyzes her. Her knees buckle underneath her, and she drops to the ground still holding an armful of cracked picture frames and torn clothes.
What are these things I am carrying?
How do I keep ending up here,
when I thought I was headed in the other direction?
When can I leave this behind,
and stop falling at every road I take?

She wants the desire to purposefully lift her head in hope and walk away from the burdens to overshadow the darkness that clouds her memory, saps her spirit, and leaves her for dead. She knows her loosening grip on reality has everything to do with her stubborn instinct to try to uphold her false sense of self-righteousness and perfection. Masking her failures seems easier than suffering the pain of rejection, but the guilt that follows her mistakes causes more isolation and separation than she has ever known. She knows she cannot continue in this way, and at times imagines the strength and confidence she has always had as more powerful than the confusion and dependence that also makes a home inside her. She finds it easy to have an attitude of independence and courage during the calm, but still cannot hold on to them when the inevitable storms reach her. Her fear renders her unable to see past, present, or future, and immobilizes her body and mind. Once the fear plants its first seed, the roots grow until they have consumed everything inside her and blackened both her day and night.

The only thing that posesses the ability to counteract is Faith. Faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in a positive outcome. And the only way to have faith is to trust that something more powerful than others, situations, and ourselves has a divine plan to prosper us, change us for better, and deliver us from the darkness that can so easily deceive and destroy.

Today I demand fear to fall and ask God's faith to plant seeds in my life. I do not have to fear anything or anyone. Today I will place faith in each situation, encounter, and person, including myself where fear used to claim rights. I will be faithful to God in my thoughts, words, and actions. And I will expect this faith to grow faster and stronger than the fear did, and eventually faith, not fear, will become my first choice in all areas of my life.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

My Heart Shaped Box

It's not that complicated,
I dont expect you to understand
few people do, really,
I just hoped maybe you would,
or at least try to see that
its not such a terrible thing
but to you it is
and I can't help that

You see, from my point of view,
you're all just as crazy
as you think I am.

I don't want to fight it
this part of myself
but I have to every day
because they've got me trapped in a cage
isolated me
confined to a box
so pressed to repress
what's inside of me

The thing is,
there's not anything inside of me
that's scary or wrong
so why do they want to trap me in a box?
if they don't, in reality,
why does it feel like they do?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sun on Sunday

I always jinx the weather when I so much as think about how I want it to be because I have control over the universe. So I didn't hope for anything and made plans for if it was cloudy/cold or if it turned out nice and sunny. Both involved walking or running and being outside, since thursday and friday I must have been fighting a virus or something. I went home and crashed for like 3 hours (I never do that!) two days in a row. We didn't have any kids this past week so I was loving the me time quiet time sleep time. I also decided to take my diet and exercise seriously (for reals). Anyways, so I was super happy when it was gorgeous by 9am, and called it a beach day.
It's but a short walk from my house and a nice one at that. About 1.65 miles one way along the golf course then along the bird refuge to the end of East Beach. I walked slightly towards Butterfly Beach on the sand and there was like NO ONE else out there except occasional passers-by. I created my sand spot (gotta make butt and boob accomodations!), laid out my towel, put some reggae music and chilled. So. Nice. I wished I had gotten there earlier so I had more tan time, but I had to sew my bathing suit so my girls didnt fall out because it was too loose and I needed walking support. I was sweating like a fat man eating soup shimmering nicely and walking fast (no sandals, running shoes), so I called it a workout.

Don't you wish you could go to the beach every day?? I could make that my job, easily.

Hasta luego Pandaritos!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Coolest Dress I've seen in a while!!

Fug or Fab: Keira Knightley Keira Knightley – Go Fug Yourself

I love this dress!!!

Related: I was totally frustrated this past weekend looking unsuccessfully for a specific dress. My Hunny kept pointing out chiks who were wearing the kind he was thinking of, so that was definitely helpful. I was hoping I could find something at least similar but good grief what's a girl got to do!??
I became slightly depressed over how my white fat thighs look in a short dress after a day of looking, pulling dresses, trying them on, having to yell/whistle my man to come closer to the dressing room so I didnt have to traipse (is that how you spell that? o well.) all the way out uncomfortably, etc. I really hate shopping. I LOVE clothes and shoes and everything in between. Its the trying on and being in sh*tty dressing room light and skinny bitches other people being around while you change into unflattering material that annoy me.
I had all but given up.
I decided to go without my significant other. Men just are incapable of seeing potential, but I can, and I figured I could at least find something to work with. Who the eff do they make clothes to fit now anyway!! Even the "curvy" jeans have WAY too much hip, dude. I want it to hold me IN, not accommodate! aye. Anyways, I take my little girl (she's 6 and likes to hide from me in the clothes when I'm shopping and = me having a fun time shopping) to Old Navy and take a bunch of stuff into a dressing room. I hold several pieces in case a) I dont end up finding anything else and b) that have some potential. One of the first things I held on to was a nice pink/purple/black/green print linen-y skirt with a thick-ish black elastic waist. pretty darn cute. I went back on the floor and found a stretchy basic tank with a round neck and round low back and regular sized straps. That's when my great epiphany turned a light on in my frustratingly dark head. I pulled the skirt, which was originally ankle-length, to under the girls, over the tank. Bingo.
I dont have a sewing machine so I stitched the skirt to the tank how my Mama taught me ("hidden stitch" which doesn't bust when you stretch the seams!). I think sewing is the most useful thing to this day that I learned as a kid that schools don't teach you (do they even still have home ec?). Looks great huh? No, I'm not talking about my manly arms or the cool Hollywood building behind me. ME!! lol.

Do you think sewing should be mandatory for girls to learn? I know I'm very traditional with roles and stuff but equality for sure. I think sewing is for women. And gay men tailors. ;)

Making Pandar Progress! Birthday!

Last week I got kinda discouraged when I'd run, from stitches and because my millions of layers creep on my neck and try to rear naked choke me. But I kept pressing and trying to run through the sideaches and running with my phone (music/gps trackers are musts!) in my sweatshirt front pocket so the collar left me alone. It worked and I've scored PRs the last two runs. I still am not a great runner and I'm hella slow but you gotta start somewhere, right? Even though my run this morning was only 2.blah blah miles, I set my mind to go the whole time, and met that goal. Law of Attraction and Positive Thinking fmw :)

My pace is getting gradually faster! I always walk the first 5 minutes to warm up so I tried to add that extra 1/4 mile. I'm amazed that people run like 8-9 minute splits! Gives me something to work towards fo sho. It's also hard to go every single day (which I'd like) cause cupcakes life happens.

Birthday Update!
Birthday Cupcakes!!
Red Velvet, Hershey's Kiss in the center, Dark Chocolate Frosting, Rainbow Sprinkles, and Trader Joe's Sugar Choco Mint grinder sprinkles. Quadruple yum. 'Nother win! Thanks Sistar!!

Happy Birthday to meeeee!!!! :)
happy happy joy joy
whooo hooo
and Yeahhhhhhh....BUDDY!
Night Bitches!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Pandar has a Birthday

Well, I first have to say that I love my family and that my Hunny is amazing. I know that just being able to be with them they are going to make my birthday this year awesome. :) I'm the kind of person who is happy not doing anything "special" for my birthday, as long as I get to be with those special people in my life. I'll be totally cliche honest when I say their presence is a gift!!
I kind of pretty much already decided what I want to do for my barfday at this point, but I'm going to  draw it out as long as possible because a) I can, and b) I can. Muahahaha!

Since I have my lil girl with me (yay!) on saturday (my actual birthDay), and my Hunny is working (sorry babe!), it gives me the perfect opportunity to have a girl day! So my lovely Sistar invited us to make delicious Red Velvet birthday Cupcakes!! I suggested Cream Cheese frosting filling. I'm kind of thinking more towards chocolate though. Cause, duh! why not! Everything's better in CHOColate! ;)

THEN, I'll totally relax and/or go for a sunny run on Sunday. Monday I took the day off, because I can. And I want to go to Magic again :) (sorry Hunny!) I have to go on X2 with my eyes open the WHOLE time. lol. I've made it a goal for my 27th year, so why not start on that right away?

THEN, because my hunny is aMAzing, he's going to take me to Sushi :) (sorry Hunny! lol) My Love doesnt really like sushi (but he WILL someday muahahaha), so I found this place in LA called Sushi Dan's and they have American food, but the sushi menu looks incredible!! There's one in Studio City so that's not too far. I think maybe I saw it in CityWalk? (confirm/deny?) And I'm pretty sure I wanted to check it out.
THEN, because my Hunny really is an overachiever, he has some other surprises too :) You can get your mind out of the gutter although you can bet your sweet beans there will be some hot gutter-action too, but that's not what I was gonna say, you cochinos. More like perfume cause I never shower so I can smell as good as he always does, and maybe some zapatos blancos because it's another thing I have to keep clean I dont have any white shoes besides my runners, and let's just say they're not exactly "white" anymore. :) But I'm most excited to spend a day with him (plus dinner) and actually have just the two of us [no kids] next week for my birthday week)! Uh oh. I feel a song coming on...
That's for you, Hunny. lol

Course I'll have to show him my dedication song later because he's a self-proclaimed illiterate jagger he prefers me to read things to him. His favorite is when I read The Bitchy Waiter to him, while we're eating in a restaurant. He is also a waiter and always says, "But that is SO true!!" or "That's not even an exaggeration!!" or "People are REALLY like that!!" You know you love you some bitchy waiter.