Thursday, April 26, 2012

Walking backwards

I often feel like I'm walking the wrong way on one of those moving walkways they have in airports. No matter how fast I go or big my steps are, I'm still moving backwards. I'm learning to see this not as a "bad" thing. Hey, at least I'm still moving and fighting, right? Moving, good. Fighting, not so much though. I've always (my whole life) sensed an invisible force pushing against me. It drives me to push back, but the force of it is sometimes too great and I fall. I know I'm speaking in annoyingly intangible context, so I'll try to put this in "real" terms.

Societal: I've never fit in. Made fun of when I was younger, mostly because I didn't know much (if anything) about how the world works and what it expects of me as a person. Its not a "I want to be unique, just like everyone else" thing. I actually try to fit in. I'm not incapable of being a "social" person; I go out to lots of different places and get on just fine, making conversation with friends and strangers, can remember names okay, I'm not shy, etc. But I can't/won't do that for long. I can't stand superficiality and I rarely get past that point of small talk unless I knew the person before and actually remember something about that person. I don't care if there's a moment of silence when you realize you don't really have anything else to say, I can busy myself with other things/people or talk about the reason we're in the same place blah blah. It's the "what's the point of learning this person's name and taking up valuable memory space in my brain when I'm probably never going to see them again" that I could care less for. Is that shallow?
My work relationships are not great. Partly because of me. I've reacted before thinking and damaged my own credibility. I've often been a subject of untrue/cruel/damaging rumors, and I've been told that is partly because I am not very open (quiet/a concentrating worker) and therefore vulnerable to gossip. I've also been told that it's because I'm relatively quiet that I can appear stuck up and a "bitch," even though I've never spoken poorly or otherwise rude to the people who have said these things about me. SO, not my problem?

2nd Adjustment!

Fully guilty of #1 every day

Alright so I know it's been a lil while since I posted. I have this whole list of what types of things I want to do for days of the week, and I keep getting frustrated/annoyed that the platform for my real/own website is not the kind of flow I want to go through each time I want to write a post/add pics/etc. I can learn the platform fine I'm just not happy with the flow of it. Got to talk to my dad bout that one. So I'm gonna have like a WordPress hopefully. Like my sis, ChristinJoyful

Anyways, yesterday I had my 2nd braces adjustment. I am SOOOOOOO happy because my teeth are moving so fast! especially the top. I still have my lil' snaggletooth friend, and no bracket on him yet, but next time (first week of June). I got COLOR this time! Just on the bottom--a light purple. It's really nice and subtle and I like it. I got silver on the top teeth, when previously I had iridescent (kind of a shiny white/clear), because the iridescent stains a yellow and I dont like that. It looks nice at first but after a few weeks of oranges and tea, not so good. I didnt even eat curry this time, lol. I pointed the purple out to my bf and a coworker, they cant even notice. Thats a good thing, and makes me feel a little more ballsy about getting colors again.
They put a thicker wire in, tied the braces in differently. The girl who did it has been doing this for 15 years and she was really good and it didnt hurt as much as last time. I told her tie them in as tight as she could cause I want them to MOVE. :)
So now I have figure-8 wire ties on the top front four teeth, no powerchains on the top. Powerchains on the bottom sides only. Here's pics!

I can't believe how good the last one looks!!!! Its such a nice little row!! :) Even the bottom row looks pretty good except for mr snaggle. Otherwise :) See the purple on the bottom??
Sorry the pics aren't all straight on. I took them quickly.
They hurt pretty bad today because of the thicker wire. Didnt sleep to good last night and woke up around 5 to take some more Advil. I'm sure the pain will only be for a few days, and it will help me eat more yogurt.

My daughter's in BORA BORA (French Polynesia) with her Grandma all this week! LUCKY!! She was SO excited! This is where she's staying:
WOW. I was/am scared to death about her going, her safety etc. But most people dont EVER get a chance to go somewhere like this. She's staying at the Four Seasons, too. Spoiled little girl!! ;) I miss her and pray she comes home safe and happy.

Well that's all for now! Been writing lots of songs, happy ones not all the sad ones. I have gotten a little depressed once or twice since I last posted but I'm doing alright.