Friday, May 4, 2012

Dont think...Do.

I am at a turning point in my life right now. There have been a lot of difficult things I have been dealing with. Personal demons, if you will. You know when you sense something is really out of balance or you're kind of fighting against something that you can't quite put your finger on? Well I've felt like that for about 2 years. It has brought my happiness, sleep patterns, ability to function, sense of security, and hope to an all time low/dysfunctional state. I have not felt like myself for that long. I have fallen "victim" time and time again to depression, anger/aggression for no reason, insomnia, uncalled-for outbursts, and turning against my family and my relationships. I believe I have been in a battle that is keeping me from a deeper relationship with the Lord, and with the people in my life. I have hurt a lot of people, including myself. I have been fighting myself because I hate what these demons have turned me into.

Well. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting an invisible enemy.

Whatever unrest and disassociation I've been experiencing for the past two years needs to step down. I deserve to be happy. I have no reason to be insecure about myself, where I am going, or what I am able to accomplish. I am going back to the state of peace I had during the time I found my true self. It was not too long ago to recall. I remember how I felt. I remember how I acted. I remember how I dealt with things. I was constantly happy. Yes there were many times I cried or felt so lonely. But I was genuinely happy. I was content with who I was.
That is me. Not the person who has felt the need to fight against everything, including myself. Not the girl who questions everything. Not the person who is afraid of what the day will bring.
I am not afraid. If God is for me, WHO can be against me? The people who love me sure aren't against me. I am fighting the wrong people and cause. Well I am done fighting with myself!

So, here's to a new chapter in my life. A chapter of hope, happiness, faith, strength, peace, joy, contentment, family, love, determination.

I'm already happy.

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