When love isn't all it's made out to be

When your heart is coming apart at the seams

When there are no promises to be made

When all the light does is cast the shade

What do you believe in?

Good Feelings Gone

Dont live a half life - courtesy of Positively Present

Positively Present - words to live by: Dont Live a Half Life
Had to post this from one of the blogs I follow (and love!)

Please share!

Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it

If you refuse then be clear about it 
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution

Do not believe half truths

Do not dream half a dream

Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst

Half a meal will not satiate your hunger

Half the way will get you no where

Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space

It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said

A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive
Work and not work

Attend only to be absent

What makes you a stranger to them closest to you

and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability

but you are able for you are not half a being

You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Gibran Khalil Gibran

hasta luego Pandaritos! ♪ª£¡♫

a haunting

Frozen

I wish I could go back
to the days you used to try to keep me
when you wanted me close to you
and couldn't get enough of me

When our warmth and love
was all we needed to live
you used to cross rivers and mountains to see me

Now you slip into a chosen loneliness
away as far as you can get from me
you push me into uncomfortable silence
where I can't say or do anything to or for you
you don't want it.

You cross rivers to put the water between us
and build mountains I can't cross
Aren't you cold? no.
But you've frozen me in the silent ice of bitter loneliness

Week 2 Brace Face

HIIIIIYYYYEEEEEE!
I was having a kind of shitty day yesterday so I didn't post but yesterday was 2 weeks with braces.
So many weird malfunctions yesterday. I was taking my daughter to school and the stoplight was not working. I could see the lights perpendicular to me were going from green to green+green arrow, back and forth and back. My light stayed red, I was about the third car in line. I know we all realized this after about 5 minutes. I wasn't about to sit there my whole life make my daughter late to school, so I backed up a few feet, got into the right lane, turned right, then in a beautiful instant flipped a cheecahno u-dturn (you have to read that with the accent) and was on my way again. I thought I was high when I asked my daughter, "is it me or does it seem like we've been sitting at this light for forever?" She confirmed I was not, in fact, high. I love that she just started to be able to determine time and dates and the like, and help a Mama out in these times when I think I'm crazy.

So then I get to work and lo and behold, my letter P wont work. My luck turns out that I have a "p" in my last name/sign on. great. After some troubleshooting of my own, including switching out keyboards, I diagnosed the problem as a software issue. Called the IT, they logged off an open ghost session I have no control of, and voila. On with the rest of my life again. :)

Even though I was in a bad mood most of the rest of the day, I tried not to get too pissed or annoyed, successfully avoided any conflict, and got shit done. I know today'll be a better day--when the only other direction is up--and because I took my crazy pills today. Well, not really they're actually Thyroid hormone pills because 3/4 of my Thyroid gland is GONE. yeah. So I'm kind of a bitch when I am all imbalanced. At least I know why and that I need to be that much more conscientious of taking them in the morning. I never forget them! Been so stressed out lately that some things just spill over. But spilling that over is like blood on the floor. :/

Well here's week 2's update!

 Still crooked, still have scrapes, cuts, and raw parts inside my cheeks but its not AS bad. Just getting used to it, and my mouth is getting tougher. I am still getting new sore spots. Flossing is a pain in the butt, but I hate not flossing so I do it. I brush at least 4x a day, after every time I eat, even snacks. I feel like a constant bad breath, but I ordered a breath spray from Melaleuca, works pretty good. It's kind of like Binaca--remember that stuff? lol. I dont chew gum. Its too hard to. Its also pretty hard to cover my inside hooks with wax. eh.

So yah, I don't think they've moved at all yet. maybe microscopically.

I have a slight complex because my loving bf said he fell in love with all of me, including my teeth, and that he'll think I'll look weird/ugly with straight teeth. Well I think about that too, and I know I'll look great but I understand what he means. I think guys are just crap at seeing potential and I know he'll love me more then not because of my teeth but because we will be that much closer and longer together. And I won't have hooks inside my mouth anymore.
Note to self: Do a working slideshow of my braces progress months 1-6 @6 months with weekly photos. Que bueno idea.


Also, Happy Frigin Birthday SISTAR!!!!! ha ha, you're old! lol jk.... love ya!!!

yep. it was like that, except DOUBLE the ice cream and DOUBLE the fudge.

heaven.

Thanks for sharing ur Bday with me, Sis! <3

hasta luego Pandaritos! ♪ª£¡♫

Why. WHY?!?

WHY did no one tell me I was going to have canker sores on every corner and surface of the inside of my mouth? WHY did no one tell me they were going to fuckin HURT? my teeth? fine, sensitive, but just fine. my cheeks inside? could no one have thought to mention this??

WHY did no one tell me I'd have HOOKS on the bands on the INSIDE of my back four teeth, making it virtually impossible to perform unmentionable bedroom and, may I add VERY IMPORTANT, tasks!??? W.T.F!!! NO one really thought these were imperatives in my decision to get braces? really, NO ONE??

This shit better get better or... or... or else!!! >:[

Now I will painfully continue to eat my borracho and mucho mango arizona. As a huge canker sore gets caught on a wire each and every time I open and close my mouth, like a jump rope getting stuck on a stone each time it passes the ground. yeah, you have no idea.

Reciprocation

Reciprocation: a) a mutual exchange, b) a return in kind or of like value, and c) an alternating motion.
It's Give and Take. It's you do for others, others do for you or at least pass it on.

How long will I choose to make another person a priority in my life when they choose not to make me a priority in their life?

I feel such a fool.

Edit: on an unrelated note, my teeth fuckin hurt. And I don't even have the braces yet, just spacers. They are moving my teeth so I am assuming it will feel like this ALL over my mouth when I get them on... I can't eat. It's seriously so painful. But, alas,

My awful but accurate dream...

I had a truly horrific dream this morning. I'm trying not to think about it because it was so so awful and disturbing, so I have to write it down. It helps me not have it again and puts it elsewhere besides in my mind.

I was somehwere I didnt recognize, and around me were my family (I think) although they were busy around me and I was just in one place. I wasnt in pain, but I felt awful, like something inside of me just was wrong. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable: something unwelcome and invasive had taken control of me. And I had to get it out, but I didnt know what I would find. The dread and fear of what I would find was, however, very clear and present.

I felt it in my stomach. I pulled up my shirt. Tiny thorns began protruding from my skin. One, then another, then more so rapidly that I was overwhelmed. I had to get them out. But they were not thorns. They were wings. Long, brown, sharp-edged wings. I was disgusted. I pulled one out with a unnerving tug and then a pluck of the body of whatever insect it was. They were alive but not moving, with useless wings. I must have pulled a hundred out within several seconds, desperate to get them out of me, but the disgust of the feeling of pulling them out was absolutely horrific. I mean I was literally grabbing handfuls of wings from my belly and ripping them out with so much urgency, with that feeling when you pull on your skin--the emptiness you feel on the inside. I was crying from disgust and the need for help. I believe my Mom was the only one helping me rid my stomach of the termites that invaded my body. I am glad the dream did end with the relief of just pulling a few random wings that were left from my chest, my stomach, and my shoulder. They were finally out of me.

~~~

I do not know what this meant yet. It has some obvious visualizations of disgust with whatever was inside of myself, and the need to rid myself of that feeling and the bugs that crept into my body/life. I know that letting one little lie that satan feeds us can multiply like bugs inside, and that makes sense to me. Ridding them is not easy, and it is not without pain and dusgust. Its just something we have to do sometimes. Remove the bugs in our lives that we have allowed to fly in and multiply within us.

When night falls
And all seems lost
When pain is the only motivation to feel at all
Where the dagger
And the hole it created
Leaves love bleeding in my hands again
Where so much is given
There it will be lost
Where smiles fade
And memories are forgotten
Here they will be buried so deep
That I will grieve only the happiness they once held
When there are no more tears to cry
And no more blood to spill
Where absence now occupies the spaces we created
There is where you might make out the faintest beating of my shattered heart

(photo)

I am strong. I am peaceful.
I am firmly planted on The Rock.

Starting over, all over again

When the wheel comes around full circle, it suffers a hit from the jagged rock that is embedded deeply since the road far behind. The shock to the wagon is so great that it knocks its baggage down, sending cases and cases full of useless junk into the path. The horses struggle to keep their balance as the reigns pull on their necks and scrape their backs while their driver tries to maintain control of the wagon. The driver fails to predict this same disaster even though she has seen it happen at every turn. Yet, she picks everything up once again, the same way she has been doing for as long as she can remember. The scene is all too familiar, but because her belongings fall differently each time, she can't determine this time from the last from the first. As she starts packing the dirty, ragged, and otherwise unrecognizable things back into their carriers and back onto the wagon's bed, the fog that was hanging overhead now descends and seemingly paralyzes her. Her knees buckle underneath her, and she drops to the ground still holding an armful of cracked picture frames and torn clothes.

What are these things I am carrying?

How do I keep ending up here,

when I thought I was headed in the other direction?

When can I leave this behind,

and stop falling at every road I take?

She wants the desire to purposefully lift her head in hope and walk away from the burdens to overshadow the darkness that clouds her memory, saps her spirit, and leaves her for dead. She knows her loosening grip on reality has everything to do with her stubborn instinct to try to uphold her false sense of self-righteousness and perfection. Masking her failures seems easier than suffering the pain of rejection, but the guilt that follows her mistakes causes more isolation and separation than she has ever known. She knows she cannot continue in this way, and at times imagines the strength and confidence she has always had as more powerful than the confusion and dependence that also makes a home inside her. She finds it easy to have an attitude of independence and courage during the calm, but still cannot hold on to them when the inevitable storms reach her. Her fear renders her unable to see past, present, or future, and immobilizes her body and mind. Once the fear plants its first seed, the roots grow until they have consumed everything inside her and blackened both her day and night.

The only thing that posesses the ability to counteract is Faith. Faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in a positive outcome. And the only way to have faith is to trust that something more powerful than others, situations, and ourselves has a divine plan to prosper us, change us for better, and deliver us from the darkness that can so easily deceive and destroy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I demand fear to fall and ask God's faith to plant seeds in my life. I do not have to fear anything or anyone. Today I will place faith in each situation, encounter, and person, including myself where fear used to claim rights. I will be faithful to God in my thoughts, words, and actions. And I will expect this faith to grow faster and stronger than the fear did, and eventually faith, not fear, will become my first choice in all areas of my life.