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Fearlessly anticipate happiness!

Well its Tuesday and so far so good. I am paying attention to each time I start worrying about the next moment by letting those thoughts just go. I don't want my enjoyment of the present moment be ruined by any negative anticipation of future events or feelings. I don't want to allow room in my mind, heart, or spirit for worry.
I can't remember where I saw this, but there was a definition of worry that I liked and I can't remember exactly verbatim, but my translation was: "Worry is fear caused by anticipation of pain." True story.

So I fearlessly anticipate happiness today. I extend that challenge to you too!

Went and saw The Avengers last night. Cannot even tell you how cool it was. Best super hero action movie EVER. :)

Awwww yeah buddy!

hasta luego Pandaritos! ♪ª£¡♫

Dont think...Do.

I am at a turning point in my life right now. There have been a lot of difficult things I have been dealing with. Personal demons, if you will. You know when you sense something is really out of balance or you're kind of fighting against something that you can't quite put your finger on? Well I've felt like that for about 2 years. It has brought my happiness, sleep patterns, ability to function, sense of security, and hope to an all time low/dysfunctional state. I have not felt like myself for that long. I have fallen "victim" time and time again to depression, anger/aggression for no reason, insomnia, uncalled-for outbursts, and turning against my family and my relationships. I believe I have been in a battle that is keeping me from a deeper relationship with the Lord, and with the people in my life. I have hurt a lot of people, including myself. I have been fighting myself because I hate what these demons have turned me into.

Well. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting an invisible enemy.

Whatever unrest and disassociation I've been experiencing for the past two years needs to step down. I deserve to be happy. I have no reason to be insecure about myself, where I am going, or what I am able to accomplish. I am going back to the state of peace I had during the time I found my true self. It was not too long ago to recall. I remember how I felt. I remember how I acted. I remember how I dealt with things. I was constantly happy. Yes there were many times I cried or felt so lonely. But I was genuinely happy. I was content with who I was.
That is me. Not the person who has felt the need to fight against everything, including myself. Not the girl who questions everything. Not the person who is afraid of what the day will bring.
I am not afraid. If God is for me, WHO can be against me? The people who love me sure aren't against me. I am fighting the wrong people and cause. Well I am done fighting with myself!

So, here's to a new chapter in my life. A chapter of hope, happiness, faith, strength, peace, joy, contentment, family, love, determination.

I'm already happy.
:)

Walking backwards

I often feel like I'm walking the wrong way on one of those moving walkways they have in airports. No matter how fast I go or big my steps are, I'm still moving backwards. I'm learning to see this not as a "bad" thing. Hey, at least I'm still moving and fighting, right? Moving, good. Fighting, not so much though. I've always (my whole life) sensed an invisible force pushing against me. It drives me to push back, but the force of it is sometimes too great and I fall. I know I'm speaking in annoyingly intangible context, so I'll try to put this in "real" terms.

Societal: I've never fit in. Made fun of when I was younger, mostly because I didn't know much (if anything) about how the world works and what it expects of me as a person. Its not a "I want to be unique, just like everyone else" thing. I actually try to fit in. I'm not incapable of being a "social" person; I go out to lots of different places and get on just fine, making conversation with friends and strangers, can remember names okay, I'm not shy, etc. But I can't/won't do that for long. I can't stand superficiality and I rarely get past that point of small talk unless I knew the person before and actually remember something about that person. I don't care if there's a moment of silence when you realize you don't really have anything else to say, I can busy myself with other things/people or talk about the reason we're in the same place blah blah. It's the "what's the point of learning this person's name and taking up valuable memory space in my brain when I'm probably never going to see them again" that I could care less for. Is that shallow?

My work relationships are not great. Partly because of me. I've reacted before thinking and damaged my own credibility. I've often been a subject of untrue/cruel/damaging rumors, and I've been told that is partly because I am not very open (quiet/a concentrating worker) and therefore vulnerable to gossip. I've also been told that it's because I'm relatively quiet that I can appear stuck up and a "bitch," even though I've never spoken poorly or otherwise rude to the people who have said these things about me. SO, not my problem?

2nd Adjustment!

Fully guilty of #1 every day

Alright so I know it's been a lil while since I posted. I have this whole list of what types of things I want to do for days of the week, and I keep getting frustrated/annoyed that the platform for my real/own website is not the kind of flow I want to go through each time I want to write a post/add pics/etc. I can learn the platform fine I'm just not happy with the flow of it. Got to talk to my dad bout that one. So I'm gonna have like a WordPress hopefully. Like my sis, ChristinJoyful. 

Anyways, yesterday I had my 2nd braces adjustment. I am SOOOOOOO happy because my teeth are moving so fast! especially the top. I still have my lil' snaggletooth friend, and no bracket on him yet, but next time (first week of June). I got COLOR this time! Just on the bottom--a light purple. It's really nice and subtle and I like it. I got silver on the top teeth, when previously I had iridescent (kind of a shiny white/clear), because the iridescent stains a yellow and I dont like that. It looks nice at first but after a few weeks of oranges and tea, not so good. I didnt even eat curry this time, lol. I pointed the purple out to my bf and a coworker, they cant even notice. Thats a good thing, and makes me feel a little more ballsy about getting colors again.

They put a thicker wire in, tied the braces in differently. The girl who did it has been doing this for 15 years and she was really good and it didnt hurt as much as last time. I told her tie them in as tight as she could cause I want them to MOVE. :)

So now I have figure-8 wire ties on the top front four teeth, no powerchains on the top. Powerchains on the bottom sides only. Here's pics!

 

I can't believe how good the last one looks!!!! Its such a nice little row!! :) Even the bottom row looks pretty good except for mr snaggle. Otherwise :) See the purple on the bottom??

Sorry the pics aren't all straight on. I took them quickly.

They hurt pretty bad today because of the thicker wire. Didnt sleep to good last night and woke up around 5 to take some more Advil. I'm sure the pain will only be for a few days, and it will help me eat more yogurt.

My daughter's in BORA BORA (French Polynesia) with her Grandma all this week! LUCKY!! She was SO excited! This is where she's staying:

WOW. I was/am scared to death about her going, her safety etc. But most people dont EVER get a chance to go somewhere like this. She's staying at the Four Seasons, too. Spoiled little girl!! ;) I miss her and pray she comes home safe and happy.

Well that's all for now! Been writing lots of songs, happy ones not all the sad ones. I have gotten a little depressed once or twice since I last posted but I'm doing alright. 

Wednesday Wants and other random thoughts

At the risk of appearing completely selfish, spoiled, and shallow, I'm gonna share some things that I want in my life. Its a good thing that those who know me know that I am fortunately not selfish, spoiled, or shallow. :) Well maybe a little spoiled, but that's because I live in America, the land of greed and excess.

Without further disclaimer, here's the stuff!

Nikon Coolpix S4300 16 MP Digital Camera with 6x Zoom NIKKOR Glass Lens and 3-inch Touchscreen LCD

Pretty nice!!! It's only $160 :) We'll see if next month's budget allows me this luxury. I like taking pics with my iphone, but it would be really nice to have better quality as I love to take pictures! In my other life I am a photographer...  

I mean, who can argue with me here? It's a PANDAR iPHONE COVER.

'nuff said. :)

Magic Mountain

X2

Pandar = self-proclaimed Adrenaline Junkie

I may end up going BY MYSELF if I am such a loser I don't have friends no one can go soon.

~~~
And other random thoughts...

My first braces adjustment is tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should be excited or nervous? My teeth started hurting (not bad, just sensitive and sore a lil) last week, so I'm hoping (!) it won't hurt that bad after. I also think my teeth are going to continue to get WORSE before they get better (straighter). Little gaps are showing up, and I'm still not sure if my teeth have such a great shape that, even when they're super straight, I will be as happy as I first thought. I'm hoping I'm just tripping and need to just chill the eff out be patient. But to me, right now, they look definitely worse.

I haven't had the capacity to give a shit about a lot of things lately...

I'm tired of people trying to negatively affect my environment and my attitude just to get a reaction out of me--a problem usually solved by not giving a shit, and just going into PandarWorld of reading quietly, listening to music, going on walks, hearing sermons from Reality,  cooking, minding my own damn business etc.
 Includes coworkers, family/exfamily, the IRS...

I DO care about my priorities:
1. Divorce/Custody issues
2. Being a student of the Bible and an obedient woman of God
3. Not getting stressed out from the bullshit that happens every day at my workplace (more importantly, not taking any stress home to my family)
4. A healthy diet and more consistent workouts (when I work out I like to go hard or go home, but sometimes I need to be content with some yoga/stretching/walking in lieu of putting on 5 layers and sweating my ass off with p90x or 6 mi runs)

Some things that I am having to keep on the back burner - regretfully:
1. Music (playing, writing, learning new pieces)
2. Getting my tan on for summer (being a lazy butt on the beach all weekend)
3. Reading my books
4. Working on my blog (I actually have had my own URL for a while now but have not transferred my blog because I have not yet learned enough of what I need to know to maintain my future website)

Seeking balance in life
inside to outside
internal to external
quiet to chaos
calm to stress
giving to taking
acceptance to restlessness
talking to listening
understanding to being understood
work to play
rest to exertion
joy to anger
justice to injustice
peace to distress
faith to ignorance

hasta luego Pandaritos! ♪ª£¡♫